No Fight Left
Frazzled hair and dirty dishes, a pail full of diapers and both clean and dirty laundry everywhere. Piles here and piles there. A vacuum untouched in weeks, because the toys just don't seem to stay off the floor. My newborn is crying and coughing because he caught a cold from his big brother...but "big" brother is only a baby still, just 20 months, and is even more sick and needing his mommy. My husband is working double time, because he has a full time job in ministry and he comes home and picks up my slack. I cannot wait until I hear him come through the door. But he won't be home until later, and right now, my coughing newborn can't be consoled and my toddler is at my ankles. Begging for mommy.
Where is she? I don't know where she is, the mommy that my toddler is asking for. Because you see, he's looking for the mommy I was 8 weeks ago, before this baby was born. Before my hormones and emotions and patience took a nosedive. I want her back, too. I need the fight she had in her. Because the frazzled lady in the mirror, the lady with spit up on her shoulder, breastmilk down her shirt and bags the size of Texas under her eyes is not the mommy we're looking for. She is a shell of the fighter she was two months ago.
Before this, not even 9 lbs of baby in my belly could slow me down. I have always been a fighter. A persistent spirit, always finding a way, always remaining positive, always taking care of things - taking care of my family. At the end of the day, my contentment in myself was in my ability to have done it all.
But the shell of a woman I see in the mirror has no fight left in her. When the constant movement and busyness of getting things done was gone, the fight was gone and in its place was plenty of shame. Plenty of disappointment in herself, and plenty of fears of inadequacy. But no energy to fight anymore, to keep up with her need to "do it all".
But Jesus told us, and I'm pretty sure he was speaking directly to moms:
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
He came and fought for us. He fought for us, to save us from these fights so we can live life to the fullest. Jesus came to save us from these fights that we take on, because we are not meant to rely on ourselves to "do it all". Through Christ we can do all things - but it's so easy to forget about Christ and focus on the tangible need for us to talk care of our family. It's easy to find our fulfillment in our worldly abilities as a mother, rather than finding our identity in Christ. And what is that identity? It is made perfectly in His image. It is loved and cherished and cared for. It is beautiful and patient and encouraging. It is peaceful. It is HOPEFUL. Because He came so that we may have life and have it to the fullest extent. And it may not feel like it at every little moment of motherhood, but he is truly working things together for our good. For our children's good. He came so that we may have peace in the promises given to us.
He came for you. He came for me. And He has and will continue to fight for you when there's no fight left in you.